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It was the first time I had attended a wedding in my home church. Hubby and I slipped into a back row seat, immediately we began to notice old, familiar faces we were eager to reconnect with. I took note of all the details while the usual events played out- processional, vows, kiss etc. It was nearing reception time, I glanced up and was suddenly frozen in thought. In front of me was an usher and the grooms mother. She had just wiped the fresh tears from her face. It appeared that tears had been falling on this womens face for quite some time. My mind raced through years as I imagined myself playing the role of the Grooms Mother. Future visions of tears falling in fresh abundance on my face flashed before my eyes.

My mental images then turn to the present. Why, this very morning we ran a typical family errand to Lowes. We were going to look for a toilet bowl lid to replace the one that had broken. Broken? yes, this tragedy occurred when Tucker was playing Curious George about the toilet top. He attemped to take it off while shattering it all over the floor and cutting his leg. Why do boys care what goes on under the toilet bowl?

Back to the point, the boys are in a stage where it is of utmost importance to hold mommy’s hand EVERYWHERE we go. Daddy’s hand will not do. We have often tried taking turns.

My plan: one boys walks with momma and the other with daddy, then we switch off after a few minutes. Sounds good, right? NOPE as of late, this plan ensures that one boy will relentlessly wail, ” I wanna hold mammas hand” while the other boy proudly walks with mamma. I always give in. I can’t stand it. This stage of the boys insisting on holding my hands is quite sweet, so sweet in fact that mommy usually ends up handing merchandise over to daddy and relinquishing buggy duties so that I can hold their hands. When the crying boy comes and grabs my other hand- he usually wipes away the tears, sniffs one last time and smiles real big.

AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

We prance around Target, Lowes, Harris Teeter, or wherever, but there is peace in our little world because mommy has two hands and there is one for each of them. As I relive the details of the morning, My heart fills with warmth, not the kind that comes from a fire in winter- this warmth will live on through the years by way of trusted memories.

Back to wedding, I am still locked on the weepy mother of the groom, my mind is lingering on this contemplation: one day I’le be locking arms with a handsome usher walking out of my sons wedding. I pinched myself and said “ don’t forget how the boys would fight and cry over who held mamas hand at the store”. I determined to never forget the warmth that those sticky, sweaty, precious hands brought to my heart.

Lord, please help me to live in the present. Please arrest my thoughts when I get caught up in looking to the future. Remind me to treasure the moments of the NOW. Thank you Jesus!

Can anybody relate?

Yesterday was a most favorite day in my book. Why?

 

Shannon was leading at SSCC and I was singing harmonies and playing keys for him.

 

I Love: Sunday Morning when we get up at the crack of dawn to catch the bus – when the kids eat their toast in the car – when I am slap wore out on Sunday afternoons and the whole house is hushed with nappingness…

 

The day looks something like this:

We lay everything out the night before (and I do mean everything).

We get up really early and head over to the bus stop to catch the bus to SSCC.

SSCC staff ride the bus to church to eliminate parking issues.  The boys think this is so fun. Their backpacks are ready with snacks drinks games ipod etc.

We arrive at the church and I have someone set up to watch kids while we sound check/rehearse. The main rehearsal is on Thursday nights so this is really just to spot check and review levels. This past Sunday the sitter was a younger sister of a girl who was singing on our team. The boys had a blast sitting in the lobby: Kenimer loves Sunday rehearsals since that is one of the rare times he gets to play games on the IPOD. Tucker put together a mini puzzle.

After practice they go to breakfast club which is set up for children of volunteers or staff who serve one and attend one. This keeps the kids from having to attend their tiny town class twice.They eat breakfast and play games. After first service I get the boys and we hang out in the Rush Hour room (middle school service) while Shannon is usually practicing. This week Kim Dixon  was leading for Rush Hour. We enjoyed listening to her rehearsal.

The kids always eat their snack and play some more… often stopping to run laps around the room or wrestle with middle school youth pastor Justin. Then it’s time for 2^nd service and I take them to their Tiny Town classes. On Sundays we only go to one service Keminer often cries because he does’nt get to ride the bus to church or attend breakfast club.

 

This week as I sat backstage I realized how blessed I am to be able to do this with my life partner. There are things I have been praying about for a while regarding my personal life heart for worship attitude and so on. I realized that Jesus indeed is changing me from the inside out.

Here is a short worship confessional from the perspective of a keyboardist and back up singer:

Happy Day (Hughes)- walk in music- I love how Shannon started this song- Acapella and then built it. I especially love the keyboard riff.

Glory to God Forever (Fee)- Such a solid worship song- we had done it three weeks before congregation responded well and I love the harmonies.

Wandering Heart (Saint Lewis original)- a song about returning to your first love. I am so humbled and blessed to have been part in writing it.  Check out tomorrow’s blog for a bit more about this song.

Not Guilty Anymore (Aaron Keyes) This was a communion song about being set free from the bondage of our sins. Shannon and I are getting to know Aaron and his family and have already been so blessed and encouraged by them. This is a short excerpt from Sunday…take a listen…

“Not Guilty Anymore” (Aaron Keyes) led by Shannon Lewis @ SSCC by  SaintLewis

The heartache tragedy and pain that this world brings can render questions anger and doubt. I see that the only way to remain Well in the midst of crisis is to surrender. To give up. To relinquish. – To trust to love and to hope.

 

It’s been a gut-wrenching tear–jerking composure-wrecking Wednesday.  Yet it’s also been a blessing in some small ways as well.

 

Shannon and I sang Chris Tomlin’s “I will Rise” in a funeral today: a six year old who had developed Leukemia a little less than two years ago.  His mommy was a MOPS mate of mine.  I wish that I could say that we were close and that I knew her well – I can’t – but I can say that there have been a number of occasions that she’s blessed my socks off.

 

I was at “Open Gym” at Golden Isles Gymnastics. I had an almost-two-year-old and was pregnant – it had been a tough week and I was feeling very discouraged. She walked up to me and said “I don’t think you know me but I have been attending Saint Simons Community Church and I wanted to tell you that I am really blessed when your husband leads worship.”  That brightened my day.

 

Later in my pregnancy I began double-stroller shopping at yard sales.  One Saturday morning I happened upon her yard sale and she was selling the exact stroller I had been hoping for.  When I tried to pay for it – if my memory serves me right – I think she gave it to me or I paid about nothing for it. She even carried it to my car because I was prego.

 

Her oldest son was diagnosed with Cancer and her difficult journey began: we saw her less and less and kept up via updates – fundraisers and such.

 

Then Summer of 2008 – I will never forget – I was at a Doctor’s office with Kenimer. It had been – for me – a very stressful day. I had been waiting a very long time only to find that I had to go to the car to retrieve some documentation I had left. It was one of those unprepared mommy days where I had left home with no sippies snacks etc. I was trying to figure out how to grab my child – {who was having a total melt-down} – walk outside in the heat and return with required papers. Right then she walked in with her 2^nd son in a bathing suit and cover up having just come from swimming lessons – her older son in Jacksonville getting a chemo treatment with a family member while she was taking the day to spend with her little guy. Just then Kenimer started screaming and the front desk lady rudely reprimanded me.

 

This girl reached out her hands offering me help “Here – let me put him in the  stroller and I’ll stroll them around while you go out to your car” reaching ino her basket to produce a brand-new box of teddy grahams. Kenimer was overjoyed. I walked outside retrieved my papers and headed back in – but feelings of being frazzled stressed and pregnant evoked tears on the way back in the building. I tried to gain my composure but she still noticed. She said “I have plenty of these days myself – trust me.” I felt that an  angel had come to my assistance but as I left the building it hit me that her other child was in a hospital in another town with cancer and she had just offered ME help comfort and encouragement!

 

When I received word that he had passed away on March 5^th I could not stop thinking of his sweet mother and what a blessing she had been to me.  She had touched my heart and my heart was moved at the funeral today.

 

Strangely enough I remember almost nothing about singing/playing the song – I just felt God’s presence so intensely that it was like an out-of-body experience – as though I was watching me do it from a distance.  Strange how moments filled with such sadness can also be powerful and revelatory. I am so aware that when tragedy and crisis come knocking we find comfort in sweet surrender and the realization of God’s sovereignty.

 

The words Job 1:21 come to mind “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”

Last year shortly after our home was burglarized and other stressors began to surface I became overwhelmed and physically felt the effects of not taking care of myself. I was feeling so frazzled always behind and not quite able to get control of life.

 

I called a wise friend to process my immense stress. This dear friend stopped me mid-sentence and said “Cyle, your breathing is very labored – I can hear you gasping for air- you are also not taking deep breaths.” She went on to explain that by taking short gasps of air I was actually causing my body more stress which added to the emotional stress I was already experiencing.

 

This is when I learned the importance of deep breathing. This tool has has helped me through some very stressful times.  Deep breathing combined with scripture meditation can really calm an anxious mind.

 

My dear friend and worship partner Christine Vales asked me to lead worship with her at a retreat that took place this past weekend.  Ironically the retreat was called  BREATHE.

The entire weekend was focused on breathing struggling to breathe awareness of breathing etc. I was continually reminded to be still quiet and just breathe.  With new seasons on the horizon this weekend could not have come at a better time.

 

We were immersed with scriptures of God’s love and his spirit wooing us to just be quiet. Be still. We were contantly reminded of all the names of God. We were constantly led in deep breaths.

 

To top it all off I had the priviledge of co-leading worship for these precious ladies

Christine and I had a refreshing time together… we laughed a  lot encouraged one another and our spirits were united in worship.

 

The weekend highlight for me consisted of two things:

First while rehearsing the set-list I was listening to one of Chrstines originals for which I was supposed to find a piano part but it just did’nt seem to be there.  I kept beating on the computer desk thinking “I wish we had someone to play Djembe.“

 

We were rehearsing and there was a drum sitting around so I just picked it up and started playing when Christine said “That sounds great! Play that at the retreat!” Sure I thought – I don’t know anyone there. The first drum song went so well that I played it on three more and I had a ball… I loved every second of it.

 

 

Two years ago while pregnant I bought a djembe video and used to play along with this tribal guy who talked crazy talk about going back to rhythyms in the womb or something. I did this for several weeks but got busy and never touched it again.

 

This weekend it was like my mind just told my hands what to do and it worked. I love learning new things or discovering things I might be able to cultivate into a skill.

Ok- so Shannon was uploading the pics and he found this clip that a girl at the retreat took with my camera… He made this video… He’s sweet!

Oh- and the second hihglight of the weekend will be in the next blog! This one is long enough!

Cyle’s Hidden Talent from Shannon Lewis on Vimeo.

 

I have been seeking to disengage the automatic thought patterns that seem to cloud my view Jesus.

I mean very simply: sometimes when I try to focus on Him I am inundated with thoughts about what people think about me – whether they approve or are pleased.

As a co-worship leader worship leader singer & songwriter I find that there is a constant battle to be fought and won in order for effective worship to take place. This battle consists of judging the success of the “worship session” by the comments or feedback of others. Simply put we are constantly battling Satan’s attempts to get us focused on others opinions.

Have you ever led worship or participated in a worship set in some capacity & felt that God really showed up – the worship was incredible – only to find that the feedback was not what you expected? Or how about the times you feel things did not go so well and yet find yourself amazed at how others respond?

There are always those special people whose opinions are weighted much heavier in mind – we all have them. I am saddened at how much mental energy and time I have spent wondering what it would take to get this person or that person’s approval. God is wooing my heart with these words “I want my opinion of you to be the most important in your mind.”

Take for instance this past Sunday leading worship with Shannon: in lieu of the sweet times I had been having with Jesus and the unity Shannon and I were experiencing in our marriage lately I was particularly excited about this time of worship together. I prayed fervently for God to use me as a vessel to glorify Himself through me and to create in me a clean heart. Well the last thing he is definitely doing.

Well wouldn’t you know that most everyone whose opinion was of high value in my mind was in the first service. Shannon decided to drop a song at the last minute and whispered it around the stage but – unfortunately – I was far away and never got the notice. I started playing the song planned then realized I was wrong jumping into the planned song (which I knew very well). But the nervousness caused by being caught off guard combined with my concerns of other’s opinions threw me off: I stumbled through the song – not playing it nearly as well as I could have. Yes this is the gentle way of saying that I made some mistakes. Shannon – knowing that I knew the song well – was quite frustrated and asked what in the world happened.

I sat quietly backstage in between service ands I said “God what happened? Shannon and I have been so in sync lately but clearly we were not on the same page on STAGE in front of a lot of people and people whose opinions really MATTER to me.”

The thought came over me: “Cyle… ask me whether I was pleased with your worship – ask me whether you ministered to my heart.” My first thought “How could you be pleased?” “Just ask me” He said. I silenced my anxious thoughts and I did just that. I was amazed at the response. Jesus began to talk to me about the condition of my heart. He told me what was pleasing to him. He showed me where my motives were off. He quietly reminded me that I had exalted certain people’s opinions and that He was doing a work in me purifying my motives. I was humbled. I walked into the second service with an abandon that was so sweet. I had already made a screw up and had nothing to prove to anyone anymore. Of course everything went well but – of course – the folk’s whose opinions I was interested in – they weren’t in that service. So I had to resolve that they would probably remember this Sunday as the Sunday I made a mistake but the Lord said “That’s Okay. Do you think – as long as someone’s opinion is an idol in your life – that I will allow you an opportunity to puff yourself up with a good performance before them ?”

“ ‘My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

God is jealous after my heart – He wants the only thing that ultimately matters when I am worshipping to be HIM.